Sometimes something new happens, like a sought after job, relationship, or a new living space. It can feel so exciting.....like a fresh start. Maybe you make a resolution to be the person you want to be and never again feel or behave in certain ways. Some common things that people wish would disappear with a fresh start are….getting angry, depressed, eating too much, drinking, being dishonest in some way, etc…..the list goes on. The things that keep occurring even though we want them to go away are often REACTIONS to something. External things can feel easier to change than our old internal reactions.
At one time our reactions to others made a lot of sense. Shutting down, getting angry, self-soothing with food or substances might have been the best options available to us at that time. What was a reasonable reaction at one time may no longer be. It might actually be damaging current healthy relationships and opportunities. Learning how to recognize reactions that are not really relevant or appropriate to the situation at hand is the first step in breaking free from the same old tired pattern.
Do you ever feel like you're experiencing Deja Vu with certain tensions and arguments? It's amazing how the same argument can occur over and over again. Sometimes, the argument is the same one you've been having for a decade and there have been a variety of different people who've engaged in it with you. Almost as if it's a movie and all someone needs to do is say "same old argument" take 50!!!! and the same themes play out with all the negative emotions...just with a different co-star.
One potential benefit of getting older and having an awareness about yourself is noticing how the same themes emerge in slightly different ways over time and in different scenarios. Some examples of "problematic themes" that re-emerge with people might be around trust, acceptance, feeling like a loved one is purposely trying to hurt you, or feeling as if people in your life are purposely doing something to you that elicits a strong reaction.
Specific examples show themselves in endless ways in different situations and relationships. There is always a trigger when this happens whether it's something someone said or a feeling that emerged due to some unclear reason. Sometimes, our triggers are not rational and can make it especially difficult for someone you're close to have any idea about what the heck is happening.
Perhaps these things happen repeatedly because the only way out is through. Changing your part in the pattern may be the key to never replaying the tired scene again. There are many ways to change your part in the pattern....
1) When you find yourself in this Deja vu moment ask yourself? When else have I felt this way? What am I really feeling? ......chances are this is an issue that relates to something from the past.
It is common for the same patterns of thoughts, feelings, and emotions to keep,occurring. This works great for the ones that feel good and contribute to feeling happy and fulfilled. It can be a real challenge when the thoughts emerge that contribute to unhappy moments. Relationships are usually the triggers that take us down these old familiar roads.
2) Through trial and error figure out what it most helpful to you when you are in that state? (space, talking it out with a friend who is not directly involved to give you a different perspective, making a list to help rationally sort out what is really happening, or something else)
3) Remind yourself that your current partner, friend, boss, etc..... Is not the person from your past. They are their own person with a different story to share with you.
4) Get familiar with some ways to "snap out of the past" and get grounded in the present. There are lots of "grounding techniques" to choose from that you can do quickly and silently anywhere, anytime.
You deserve to be free and so do the other people in your life who care about you. Living more in the present means reacting less to the influences of your past that weren't right. These old scenes keep reoccurring not because something is wrong with you. They keep emerging so you can work them out and react in a different way.
We heal the past by recognizing what is truly relevant and learning how to handle a tired old scene that is begging to be freed in a way that is different than all the times before. Uncomfortable things keep happening so that we develop a new way to react. Life is generous with her chances to fix what is broken, hurt, or askew. Maybe even learn to have fun with it as you learn more about the tired old scenes that keep happening so that better ones can take their place.